The 13 Coping Modes

The 13 Coping Modes are based on the research of Dr. Jeffrey Young, Ph.D. Coping modes are distinct emotional states or mindsets that influence how individuals perceive and respond to situations, often originating from early life experiences. They encompass patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that shape one’s self-concept and interpersonal relationships. Take the Coping Mode Test here.

Angry Child

You have an internalized sense of anger and frustration that stems from unresolved childhood experiences. Deep down, you feel ignored, unheard, or powerless to control your situation. Your intense feelings of anger, resentment, and hostility originate from experiences of neglect, abandonment, or invalidation in your formative years.

You experience a pervasive sense of emotional volatility, struggling to regulate your anger and often reacting impulsively or explosively to perceived threats or provocations. You feel powerless or invalidated, leading to a deep-seated sense of injustice and a belief that the world is inherently unfair.

Watch for these signs:

Explosive Outbursts: You exhibit sudden, intense displays of anger or aggression, often in response to perceived slights or frustrations. These outbursts are disproportionate to the situation and result in harm to yourself or others. You act without thinking, lashing out verbally or physically in the heat of the moment.
Feelings of Resentment: You harbor deep-seated feelings of resentment towards those you perceive as having wronged you. You nurse grudges and hold onto past grievances, perpetuating a cycle of anger and bitterness. You argue excessively and deliberately disobey rules.
Difficulty in Emotional Regulation: You struggle to regulate your emotions, particularly anger, finding it challenging to express yourself in healthy and constructive ways. This leads to a pattern of interpersonal conflict.
Perceived Injustice: You perceive yourself as a victim of injustice, fueling your sense of righteous indignation and reinforcing your belief in the hostile nature of the world. Feeling unjustly treated, you sulk, give others the silent treatment, or use backhanded comments to express anger indirectly.
Self-Protective Behaviors: In an attempt to defend against perceived threats or vulnerabilities, you adopt aggressive behaviors, such as lashing out verbally or physically, withdrawing from social interactions, or assuming a confrontational stance.

Your coping mode has profound implications for your mental health and well-being. Persistent feelings of anger and resentment contribute to heightened stress levels, emotional distress, and relationship difficulties. Left unchecked, your mode leads to chronic anger issues, hostility, and aggression towards yourself and others.

Enraged Child

You carry a deep well of anger and rage that stems from unmet needs and frustrations experienced in childhood. These early experiences of feeling powerless, unheard, or unfairly treated left you feeling unsafe and ignited a fiery sense of injustice. Your rage and resentment originate from feelings of neglect, abandonment, or betrayal during your developmental years.

The world seems like a hostile place, filled with potential threats and risks of being wronged. This constant feeling of being under attack fuels your rage and makes it difficult to see situations objectively. Minor inconveniences trigger explosive outbursts that seem disproportionate to the situation. You harbor deep-seated feelings of resentment towards those you perceive as having wronged you, perpetuating a cycle of anger and bitterness.

Watch for these signs:

Explosive Outbursts: You react impulsively and intensely with anger when things don’t go your way or you feel disrespected. These outbursts are verbal, physical, or both. You struggle to control your emotions in the heat of the moment.
Black and White Thinking: You see things in extremes – either someone is completely for you or completely against you. This leaves little room for compromise and fuels your sense of constantly being wronged. You hold onto past grievances and perceive yourself as a victim of injustice or mistreatment.
Need to Be Right: You have a strong need to be right in every situation and will argue relentlessly to prove your point. Your constant need to win damages your relationships and creates conflict around you.
Threats and Intimidation: You resort to threats or intimidation to get your way, believing that fear is the only way to control situations. This behavior alienates others and makes it difficult to form trusting relationships.
Destructive Tendencies: In your anger, you engage in destructive behaviors. These impulsive actions serve as a temporary release for your rage but have lasting negative consequences.

Your coping mode can be incredibly destructive to yourself and your relationships. Chronic anger leads to anxiety, stress, depression, and difficulty maintaining healthy connections with others.

Vulnerable Child

You harbor a deep sense of vulnerability and insecurity, stemming from past experiences of neglect, abandonment, or invalidation during your formative years. Deep down, you feel fragile, powerless, and exposed, leading to a pervasive sense of fear and anxiety about the world around you. You carry a longing for love, acceptance, and security, but you have difficulties facing that longing. Your underlying vulnerability fuels both your desire for connection and a deep fear of rejection.

You seek reassurance and protection from others, avoiding situations that trigger feelings of insecurity, or reacting with extreme sensitivity to perceived criticism or rejection. You feel unseen, unheard, and undeserving of love and validation, contributing to a pattern of self-doubt and fragility.

Watch for these signs:

Hypersensitivity: You react with heightened sensitivity to perceived threats or criticisms, becoming easily overwhelmed by negative emotions. Perceived slights or lack of attention trigger anxiety and insecurity. Small setbacks or rejections evoke fear, shame, or sadness, leading to emotional outbursts or withdrawal.
Avoidance of Risk: You avoid taking risks or stepping outside of your comfort zone due to a fear of failure or rejection. You feel you lack safety and security, preferring to stay within familiar boundaries rather than risk re-experiencing the hurt and disappointment you were subjected to earlier in life.
Dependency on Others: You rely heavily on others for validation, reassurance, and support, seeking to fulfill unmet emotional needs from your childhood through relationships with others. You feel a deep-seated fear of abandonment or rejection, leading to clingy or over-investing behaviors in your relationships.
Feelings of Inadequacy: You struggle with feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, or inferiority, believing that you are fundamentally flawed or unlovable. These negative self-perceptions stem from past experiences of neglect or criticism, reinforcing a sense of unworthiness and self-doubt in you. When you feel insecure, you experience sudden emotional swings, particularly sadness or anger. Your emotional volatility is confusing for others and creates interpersonal conflict.
Difficulty Asserting Boundaries: You have difficulty asserting your own needs and boundaries in relationships, fearing rejection if you express yourself authentically. You prioritize the needs of others over your own, sacrificing your own well-being in an effort to avoid the vulnerability of feeling isolated and alone.

Your coping mode can have significant implications for your emotional well-being and relationships. Untreated, it leads to feelings of chronic anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, as well as difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy connections with others.

Impulsive Child

You exhibit impulsive behaviors and struggle with emotional regulation as a result of unresolved childhood experiences. You carry a sense of inner turmoil and insecurity, stemming from feelings of neglect, abandonment, or invalidation during your formative years. Your impulsive actions serve as a coping mechanism to temporarily escape or numb the pain of your past, but they often lead to further distress and dysfunction in your life.

Despite your outward attempts to appear carefree, you harbor feelings of emptiness and inadequacy. You seek instant gratification and excitement in an effort to distract yourself from underlying emotional pain. You engage in reckless behaviors to fill the void left by unmet childhood needs.

Watch for these signs:

Impulsive Behaviors: You have a constant need for gratification.You engage in impulsive actions without considering the consequences, seeking relief from emotional distress. These behaviors may include binge eating, reckless driving, or reckless spending.
Difficulty Tolerating Frustration or Boredom: You struggle to delay gratification or tolerate discomfort, seeking instant pleasure to distract from distressing emotions. You have difficulty adhering to long-term goals or commitments, constantly craving immediate rewards.
Emotional Instability: You experience intense emotional fluctuations, ranging from euphoria to despair. Your emotions are unpredictable and overwhelming, leading to difficulties in regulating your mood and behavior.
Self-Destructive Patterns: You engage in self-destructive behaviors as a means of coping with emotional pain or distress. These behaviors may include self-harm, reckless driving, or engaging in risky sexual activities.
Chaotic Relationships: You zigzag through life due to a fear of missing out. You have chaotic or unstable connections with others. You form intense, short-lived relationships characterized by dramatic highs and lows. Your fear of abandonment drives you to cling to others, even in unhealthy or toxic situations.

Your coping mode has significant implications for your mental health and well-being. It leads to chronic impulsivity, emotional instability, and difficulties forming and maintaining healthy relationships. It may also contribute to substance abuse, self-harm, or other harmful behaviors as a means of coping with underlying emotional pain.

Undisciplined Child

You are disorganized because of childhood experiences lacking structure, guidance, or boundaries. You have a tendency to resist discipline, responsibility, or adherence to rules, reflecting the lack of consistent discipline or structure you experienced in your upbringing. You felt unseen, unheard, or micromanaged as a child. You developed this mode to compensate for a lack of validation.

You feel intense desires, impatience, and frustration when those desires are not met. You experience guilt or shame after acting impulsively. You struggle to maintain focus and follow through with tasks, often seeking immediate gratification or avoiding discomfort in the here and now. You resist rules or routines and struggle to regulate your impulses and behaviors.

Watch for these signs:

Difficulty with Discipline: You have trouble maintaining discipline or structure in your life, often procrastinating, avoiding tasks, and neglecting responsibilities.
Impulsive Behavior: You act on impulses without considering the consequences, seeking immediate gratification, or avoiding discomfort without thinking of the long-term tradeoffs, leading to rash decision-making and impulsive actions.
Resistance to Authority: You rebel against authority figures or resist rules and regulations, viewing them as restrictive or oppressive, leading to conflicts with others.
Lack of Follow-Through: You struggle to follow through with tasks, commitments, or goals, often starting projects with enthusiasm but failing to see them through to completion.
Avoidance of Discomfort: You avoid discomfort or unpleasant emotions by seeking distractions or instant gratification, leading to a pattern of avoidance and escapism.

Your coping mode can have significant negative effects on your productivity, relationships, and overall well-being. Your tendency to resist discipline or structure leads to difficulties in achieving your goals, maintaining healthy relationships, and managing your responsibilities.

Abandoned Child

You have deep emotional wounds from experiences of neglect, abandonment, or abuse during your childhood. These experiences left you feeling unloved, unwanted, and unworthy, shaping your perception of yourself and the world around you. You feel fearful and helpless, lacking the emotional security that was denied you as a child.

Despite your composed or stoic facade, you carry a profound sense of emptiness and pain. You seek validation and approval from others while at the same time fearing abandonment or rejection. You struggle with intimacy and trust in your relationships. Your inner child yearns for love, safety, and security but the adult you remains guarded and skeptical, fearing to be further hurt or betrayed.

Watch for these signs:

Emotional Withdrawal: You withdraw emotionally from others, fearing vulnerability or rejection. You isolate yourself or avoid intimate relationships as a means of self-protection.
Hypervigilance: You are hypervigilant to signs of abandonment or betrayal, constantly on edge, and distrustful of others’ intentions. You interpret innocent actions as threats, leading to difficulties forming and maintaining trusting relationships. You are fragile and easily overwhelmed by strong emotions, particularly sadness, anger, and anxiety.
Fear of Rejection: You harbor a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment, leading you to cling desperately to those you care about or preemptively push them away to avoid being hurt.
Difficulty in Trusting: You struggle to trust others, often questioning their motives or sincerity. Past experiences of betrayal or abandonment have left you wary and guarded, making it challenging to open up and form genuine connections.
Self-Doubt and Worthlessness: Despite outward appearances, you grapple with feelings of self-doubt, worthlessness, and shame. You may believe that you are fundamentally unlovable or undeserving of happiness, perpetuating a cycle of self-sabotage and low self-esteem.

Your coping mode has profound implications for your emotional well-being and relationships. Left untreated, it leads to loneliness and chronic feelings of emptiness, depression, and anxiety, as well as difficulties in forming secure attachments and experiencing genuine intimacy.

Detached Protector

You are the guardian of your inner world, ever vigilant against emotional pain. Deep down, you carry the scars of past experiences where intense emotions led to overwhelming feelings of vulnerability or rejection. You suppress your emotions and detach from intimate connections, a coping mechanism that seeks to maintain emotional distance to protect yourself from further hurt.

Despite your outward facade of self-sufficiency, you carry a profound sense of inner vulnerability and fear. You distance yourself from others to avoid being hurt or betrayed, but this detachment often leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Your protective shell prevents others from getting too close, but it also hinders your ability to form genuine connections and receive the support you need.

Watch for these signs:

Emotional Detachment: You suppress or deny your emotions, presenting a calm and composed exterior even in the face of distress or turmoil. You appear unemotional or aloof to others, avoiding discussions about personal feelings or experiences.
Avoidance of Intimacy: You avoid forming deep or meaningful connections with others, fearing vulnerability or betrayal. You resist emotional intimacy or withdraw from relationships at the first sign of discomfort.
Independence and Self-Reliance: You pride yourself on your independence and self-sufficiency, preferring to rely on yourself rather than others for support or assistance. You struggle to ask for help or accept support from others, viewing it as a sign of weakness.
Perception of Others as Threats: You perceive others as potential threats or sources of harm, leading you to maintain a cautious or guarded stance in your interactions. You distrust others’ intentions or motives, fearing that they will take advantage of you.
Loneliness and Isolation: Despite your efforts to protect yourself, you experience feelings of loneliness and isolation. Your emotional detachment prevents you from forming meaningful connections with others, leaving you disconnected and alone.

Your coping mode has significant implications for your emotional well-being and relationships. It leads to loneliness, isolation, and emotional numbness, as well as difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. It may also contribute to a lack of fulfillment and satisfaction in life as you struggle to connect with others and experience genuine intimacy.

Bullying Attacker

You harbor a force within you fueled by experiences of aggression, dominance, or intimidation in your past. You have an internal aggressor, fueled by a need to dominate, humiliate, or tear down others. It uses aggressive tactics to control situations and feel powerful. Your internal dialogue is marked by aggression, hostility, and a need for control. It mirrors the behavior of those who once exerted power over you.

You experience intense anger, frustration, and a desire to lash out. You feel threatened or insecure, even by subtle things, and your aggression acts as a defense. There is a sense of entitlement and superiority justifying your attacks. You feel a need to prove your strength or superiority, often at the expense of others’ well-being. You assert dominance and control over others, through aggressive or intimidating behavior. Your actions are driven by a deep-seated fear of vulnerability.

Watch for these signs:

Aggressive Behavior: You engage in assertive or confrontational behavior, seeking to assert dominance over others. You resort to verbal or physical aggression to intimidate those around you. Yelling, name-calling, insults, and sarcasm are common ways you verbally attack others.
Intimidation Tactics: You use intimidation tactics to manipulate or control others, such as threats, coercion, or manipulation. You seek to instill fear in others to maintain power. You use guilt trips, threats, or emotional manipulation to get your way.
Need for Control: You have a strong desire to control your environment and the people around you, stemming from a fear of vulnerability and your need for security. You struggle to tolerate uncertainty or relinquish control.
Lack of Empathy: You display a lack of empathy or concern for the well-being of others. You prioritize your own needs or desires over others, showing little remorse for the harm you cause.
Difficulty with Vulnerability: You have difficulty admitting weakness, viewing it as a sign of inferiority. You resort to intimidation to mask your own feelings of vulnerability. You strive to win arguments, control conversations, and feel superior in all interactions.

Your coping mode has significant effects on your relationships and overall well-being. Your aggressive behavior and need for control lead to conflict, alienation, and distrust in your relationships. Moreover, constantly being in attack mode can take a toll on your mental health, contributing to stress, anxiety, and feelings of isolation.

Self-aggrandizer

You have an inflated sense of self-importance and a constant need for admiration and validation. This mode developed in your childhood as a defense mechanism against feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. It stemmed from a lack of validation or unpredictable patterns of excessive praise or blame from your caregivers.

You compensate for your feelings of inadequacy by exaggerating your achievements so as to get external validation and feel good about yourself. You maintain a facade of superiority to mask underlying feelings of low self-worth. You belittle or dismiss those who do not affirm your special status. You constantly need admiration to bolster your fragile self-esteem.

Watch for these signs:

Exaggerated Self-Importance: You exaggerate your achievements, seeking to portray yourself as exceptional. You engage in self-promotion or grandiose statements to garner admiration from others.
Need for Validation: You rely heavily on external feedback to validate your self-esteem, feeling insecure or inadequate without constant affirmation. You struggle to listen to others and domineer conversations, steering them toward arenas where you are superior.
Dismissiveness of Others: You dismiss those who do not affirm your sense of importance or superiority. You belittle others in order to appear superior yourself. You struggle to acknowledge the achievements or talents of others, feeling threatened by anyone who gets the praise or admiration you constantly crave.
Blaming Others: You have difficulty taking responsibility for mistakesor shortcomings.You deflect responsibility by blaming external factors or other people for your faults. Failure is not an option. It feels deeply threatening, and you will go to any length to divest yourself from it.
Fear of Inadequacy: Despite your outward confidence, you harbor a deep-seated fear of inadequacy or failure. You have a compulsive need for validation from others, constantly seeking praise and admiration to fill an inner void.

Your coping mode has significant implications for your well-being and relationships. Untreated, it leads to feelings of emptiness, insecurity, and dissatisfaction, as well as difficulties in forming genuine connections with others. It leads to strained relationships, social isolation, and difficulty maintaining friendships or romantic relationships. It can also hinder personal growth as it prevents you from acknowledging weaknesses or learning from your mistakes.

Detached Self-Soother

You carry a deep longing for emotional comfort, but your caregivers were unable or unwilling to fulfill that need. This has led you to be wary of relying on others. You have developed a coping mode that seeks to numb emotional pain by creating distance from difficult feelings.

You rely on self-soothing strategies such as distraction, avoidance, or numbing to regulate your emotions and alleviate discomfort. Your detachment allows you to maintain a sense of control and autonomy in the face of adversity, but it also leads to feelings of isolation.

Watch for these signs:

Emotional Numbing: You engage in behaviors or activities that numb or suppress emotions (such as overeating, substance use, or excessive screen time) as a way of escaping painful feelings. You find it difficult to identify or express your emotions, and have a tendency to dismiss your own experiences.
Avoidance of Emotional Triggers: You avoid situations or stimuli that evoke strong emotions, preferring to keep emotional distress at bay rather than process it directly. Your life history has made you an expert at creating distractions, keeping your mind occupied by a constant stream of external stimuli.
Self-Isolation: You withdraw from emotional intimacy, preferring solitude or superficial connections to avoid potential hurt. Your need to escape emotional discomfort leads you to neglect important responsibilities or obligations.
Distraction Techniques: You use distractions such as hobbies or work to divert attention from uncomfortable emotions or thoughts, temporarily soothing yourself by avoiding deeper emotional processing.
The Cycle of Detachment: By avoiding your emotions, you limit opportunities to develop healthy coping mechanisms. This leads to increased emotional vulnerability, further fueling your need for distractions and avoidance.

Your coping mode provides temporary relief from emotional distress but also perpetuates feelings of disconnection and loneliness. Without learning healthy ways to regulate your emotions, you risk further isolating yourself from meaningful relationships and opportunities for personal growth.

Punishing Parent

You harbor a critical and punitive internal voice within you. This stems from experiences of harsh criticism, punishment, or neglect in your childhood. Your internal dialogue is characterized by criticism, self-blame, and harsh judgments, mirroring the behavior of your caregivers. It triggers feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, and self-hatred.

You hold yourself to impossibly high standards and react harshly to perceived failures or shortcomings. You feel like you’re constantly letting yourself down. You have an intense fear of making mistakes and punish yourself severely for your missteps. You berate yourself for not meeting your own or others’ expectations, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

Watch for these signs:

Self-Critical Thoughts: You engage in relentless self-criticism, constantly berating yourself for perceived mistakes or flaws. You have a harsh internal dialogue, telling yourself you are not good enough or unworthy of love and acceptance.
Self-Punishment: You punish yourself emotionally as a way of atoning for your failures. This includes depriving yourself of pleasure, engaging in self-harm, or sabotaging your own success.
High Standards: You often set unrealistic standards for yourself and feel intense pressure to meet them. You believe anything less than excellence is unacceptable and may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or failure when you fall short.
Difficulty Accepting Love and Validation: You struggle to accept love and validation from others, believing you do not deserve it. You push away or sabotage relationships out of fear of being rejected or judged.
Lack of Self-Compassion: You have difficulty being kind and compassionate to yourself. You view self-compassion as a sign of weakness and believe you must be tough on yourself to succeed.

Your coping mode has significant negative effects on your mental health and well-being. It impacts your self-esteem, motivation, and overall well-being. It hinders you from taking risks, trying new things, or forgiving yourself for your mistakes. You struggle to accept love and validation from others as you feel unworthy and undeserving.

Demanding Parent

You embody an authoritarian and controlling demeanor rooted in unresolved childhood experiences. Deep down, you harbor feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability, compensating by exerting control over others and your environment.Your inner dialogue prompts you to seek order and authority to mask underlying feelings of insecurity and fear.This mode developed from early experiences with caregivers who emphasized excellence and accomplishment, potentially linking love or approval to achievement.

You impose rigid standards and expectations on yourself and others, seeking faultlessness, and struggling to tolerate imperfection or vulnerability. Your need for control and validation stems from a deep-seated fear of failure or rejection, driving you to micromanage situations and relationships to maintain a sense of security.

Watch for these signs:

My Way is the Right Way: You adopt a lecturing approach to interactions with others, imposing strict rules and standards to maintain a sense of control. You struggle with flexibility and empathy, prioritizing compliance over understanding or collaboration.
Overachievement: You hold yourself and others to impossibly high standards, fearing that any deviation from excellence will lead to failure or rejection. Your inner voice equates self-worth with achievement and external validation, driving you to pursue accomplishment at a high cost.
Micromanagement: You engage in micromanaging behaviors, attempting to exert control over your life and relationships. You struggle to delegate tasks or trust others, fearing that relinquishing control will result in chaos or failure.
Difficulty Relaxing: You struggle to take breaks or enjoy leisure activities, maintaining a constant focus on productivity. You have difficulty acknowledging vulnerability or weakness, viewing them as signs of inadequacy or failure. Your inner dialogue equates vulnerability with weakness, driving you to suppress emotions that upset your sense of control.
Emotional Distance: You struggle with emotional connection in relationships, maintaining a facade of strength and independence to avoid appearing flawed. On the inside, you fear rejection, leading you to prioritize self-protection over genuine connection.

Your coping mode has implications for your well-being and relationships. It leads to chronic stress, anxiety, and exhaustion, as well as feelings of loneliness, alienation, and dissatisfaction. You have difficulties forming authentic connections with others as the risk of vulnerability is too great.